Friday, March 1, 2013

The Choices and The Trials

Ever since the stick turned positive with this baby I had been given 0 choices medically, and despite fighting tooth and nail, I had all but given up. Now that yet another choice was ripped from me, that to even have a baby at all, I find myself with one last choice. To wait for a natural loss or have a d and c. I chose a d and c which we will do tomorrow. I feel despite this not being a natural choice, it is what I want. I would like to no longer house my deceased child within my body and would like to go back to life as normal.
I feel that so few of the women I know have had an easy time giving birth or conceiving, or keeping their baby. For us this makes loss 3. Of my close friends I have one who can not have children, two still after years TTC their first, and several like me who have battled loss and TTC just to have one and now have faced even more pain and trials and loss TTC a second. Yet outside this group I am constantly seeing women just going "oops pregnant again". OOPS? You mean you can conceive without months of TTC or drugs or doctors... and then your baby just lives... to fullterm? What is that like??? To me and many of the women I adore... that is akin to standing on the sun.
Now don't get me wrong I am not mad at these women, or begrudge them their babies, I just wish they understood. That they saw how hard it is for us, for every woman who ever charted, or waited each month to see a BFP only to have that baby then die. TTC is the hardest thing that any woman ever goes through.. it is months and sometimes years of disappointment and heartache and loss.
When I finally after months of TTC Sugarbaby had almost given up, I actually had women telling me "You are trying too hard" and that they themselves "got pregnant the one time they didn't use BC". Well that is all well and good except for one thing.... most people can not get pregnant that easily!!!! 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, and that is just the ones who make it to viability. If you threw in the statistics of women TTC it would be staggering.
I also have been told over and over "You have one perfect child". true but we would like to have the same choices and ability to have two children, that you do. If you have 2, 3, 10 kids would that give me the right to tell you "maybe you have enough perfect children." You wouldn't like that would you. Saying you have other kids to a Mom suffering loss is not helpful.
Like Death, Birth is so often something we don't have a ton of choice in. We can choose to embark on the journey but who knows where it will lead. For me and for Sugarbaby it lead to 14 weeks of love and plans and hopes and dreams and a baby shower in the works and a room half converted to room a new baby. It lead to a super happy 3 yr old, proud to be a big brother and parents overjoyed that after 4 yrs they would finally be a complete family. Then it lead to death, tears, loss, horror, and intense despair. This is the last night I will lie awake as I have so many nights during this 14 weeks. It is the last night I will hold Sugarbaby in my belly. Only tonight I know she is no longer alive.
Someday we may have a healthy full term second child, but it won't be easy, it won't be quick, and sadly it won't be Sugarbaby. Goodbye my beautiful angelbaby.

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