Thursday, March 7, 2013

One Week

One week ago today, I knew we had lost our baby. I really had avoided talking about the way we found out but I think now I am ready to talk about the events of that day.
As many of you know we had two previous losses, both early, one before Bug and one before Sugarbaby. We used a midwife for Bug, a well recommended one who I adored and who helped immensely  despite the awful outcome in Bug's birth. With Sugarbaby, we were denied access to a midwife and told an OB was our only choice. So I selected the only female OB in this entire area. I felt going with a woman was more important than anything and I was dead wrong. I did no research on her, asked no one what they thought.... just blindly signed up as a patient. We saw her office twice before last Thursday. The first time we were only graced the presence of her nurse and the second time we almost didn't get to see her at all because she was so late. I told both her and her nurse repeatedly I had had two previous miscarriages, that I had been sick the entire pregnancy and that I had cramped harshly the whole time. I had never had cramping with Bug. My body was telling me something was wrong. Still though my blood work came back fine, my first sonogram showed a string heartbeat and a moving healthy 9 week baby... everything was fine.
Then I fell down an icy flight of stairs, I called my OB and her secretary told me she had said I would be fine. Turned out my OB wasn't even there that day and the secretary was doling out healthcare advice without the knowledge to back it up. I was told the next day when I tried to see my doctor that if I was that worried to just go to the hospital.. I fell down stairs and my doctor would not even see me!!!!
So we went in and got a sonogram done and again, healthy baby, strong heartbeat. The only hint of danger was a small tear they said. Yet still everyone said I was fine, that everything was ok, and the baby was strong. My doctor had scheduled my appointments at 9 weeks and then at 15 weeks. 6 weeks apart! By 12 weeks I knew something was very wrong. I kept asking people if they thought I should go in and see her, demand to be listed high risk. I hadn't felt even flutter movements, I was cramping and my belly had started to shrink. I didn't know it then but my baby had died around that week between 11 and 12 weeks.
 On Thursday I was almost 14 weeks. I was in denial that my belly had gone down even more. My breasts were shrinking and I woke up that morning bleeding. I screamed. I immediately called the doctor and it was almost an hour before I was told finally that I could come in. I called my Mother in law to come take me and Bug in since Hubby was at work. After another half hour of waiting in the doctors office we were seen. She told me nothing was wrong, everything was fine. even though her nurse had just switched my status on my file to High Risk, something they should have done from the beginning. When they couldn't find and heartbeat she again told me, don't worry, everything is fine. By this point I knew something was very wrong and wanted to slap the next person who said don't worry.
She sent us to the hospital for another ultrasound. The tech had me go in alone and was joking and talking with me the whole time. I was so at ease with her I just assumed everything really was fine, because no one could be THAT casual when a dead baby was concerned. Unless they were really awful people. So I was a bit caught off guard when she said "Ok I will take this to the radiologist and your doctor will let you know what's going on." I suddenly was thrust back into reality and said "But everything is ok right?" "Your doctor will talk to you." "but you found a heartbeat...?" "NO". "do we need to do an internal scan?" At this point I was in disbelief and basically was convinced she was wrong and something would bring my baby back. This woman was dumb right? Right? I think she knew that was where  my brain was going so she swung the computer screen around which was focused on my tiny perfectly formed mini baby, and it's legs swung slowly in the fluid in the most sickeningly way and and the normal ticking of the heartbeat flicker was silent. I literally felt my heart turn cold and my mind went blank. Then she said "No see look there is no need".
Then she got up told me she was going to get Bug and my MIL and would "give me a minute". I really wanted to say.... "I am 14 weeks pregnant, we were supposed to find out the sex in 4 weeks, in 6 weeks we would be halfway, and you just told me that child is dead as casually as you would tell someone their favorite chip flavor is out of stock but yeah... give me a minute. I will be fine in 60 seconds.
Then my Mother in law and son came into the room, both with hopeful smiles, I knew they had not been told. I said "They could not find a heartbeat, the baby is dead." My mother in law started to cry and then I pulled Bug into my arms and had to tell him he was not going to be a big brother. He sobbed on my shoulder.
We were then told to go upstairs to maternity to wait to talk to my OB. Because the place you should send a greiving mother who lost her baby at 14 weeks is the place babies are being born! We sat there waiting for almost 2 hours. In the meantime we got a hold of my hubby who got there and still had time to wait with us for the second hour. At the end my OB called us in, sat us down in a weird seating area, most likely used for all types of horrible news such as this and told us flat out, just like this, "Well there was no heartbeat, it looks like the baby was measuring around 10 weeks (which meant between 11 and 12 weeks because Sugarbaby had been measuring about a week under). You have three options, d and c, pills or natural." She explained a bit about each option and then told us "don't worry this is really common". We were then sent home. We had been at the doctors/hospital since 10 AM and it was now about 4 PM and she talked to us about the death of our child for less than 5 minutes. At this point I really really did not like this woman.
So we left.... we left not knowing what the next few days would bring, we left in shock, and pain, knowing our house was half set up for the arrival of our second child, we left not knowing how we would help our firstborn understand the death of his sister or brother, we left knowing that had I not started bleeding that morning, we would not have known our child was dead until 15 weeks, almost 16, when I went in for my next appointment. Most of all we left knowing that at least this OB had proven what I already had known for years, that when it came to healing, doctors are just not the way to go or care about your well being AT ALL. I know if we ever have another child we will have to see an OB but I hope upon hope that I can somehow also have a midwife again. All I know is my midwife would never have let any of these horrible things happen and had beyond all her help we still lost the baby, she would have held me while I cried. I hate to say it is so black in white but in my experience MIDWIFE=GOOD, OB=BAD.
So there you have it... the worst day of my life. I just am so grateful that a few days later I chose to go with my gut, my faith in God and my own faith in home medicine and holistic healing and walked away form the d and c and got to have the healing of a home water birth and funeral for my angel Sugarbaby.

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