Good News: Moving Forward

Well at our appointment yesterday I was again reminded that these new doctors, this new midwife, that they are not the same people we had with Asya Rose and that they were not going to treat us with the same callousness and cruelty that we suffered with our last doctor. This is the doctor who saved my life by demanding I get a pretty much emergency D and C. This is the doctor that performed that surgery and announced I had been pretty infected but that I was all good now. This is the doctor who put us on a schedule to wait and then a schedule for TTC, that worked and in 2 months after we start TTC we were pregnant (A FIRST EVER!). This is the doctor that when I was pregnant told me to come in ASAP so they could make sure everything was ok. I was only 4 weeks. My last doctor (the one I feel was responsible for the death of my daughter because she did nothing to help me after I fell down that flight of stairs) refused to even see me until 9 weeks even though I was high risk with a history of miscarriage. Lastly this is the doctor who set me up with a midwife and let me come up with a birth plan that although I will be having a c-section will let me be as close to the baby and comfortable as I can be. My midwife is amazing and kind and wonderful as is all the staff there. The best news of all though is now I will have to be giving birth in the hospital of that town and not here, which given how awful ours is... is good news. I love their hospital, it is clean, calm, comfy, homey. It doesn't resemble a morgue like ours does.
So anyway enough about how amazing my new doctor, midwife and hospital are. Onto the news about our wonderful 3rd child or Monkey as I have come to start calling it. Aleksandr was (is) Bug, Asya was Sugarbaby, and this one is Monkey. Anyway Monkey is doing great. perfect even. We were assured no bleeds, no worry spots, nothing. Just a healthy 9 week baby with a strong heartbeat. We were even able to get a video of the heart beating and Hubby was able to hear it with me which was a first for him. Due to a refusal by our doctor with Asya she refused to listen to the heartbeat for us at 10 weeks and then didn't schedule our next appt until 16 weeks and as you all know... she was gone at 14 weeks. So sadly we never got that joy with her. With Aleks our midwife started listening to his heart around 10 weeks but Hubby never got to come with me until I had already brought home a recording of the heartbeat for him to listen to. He did get to hear it other times with him, but it wasn't that first time. This was amazing for both me and Hubby. We watched as our little monkey danced and squirmed. All I can say is I truly need this baby to live.

Rainbow Baby

So unfortunately one of the side effects of losing two babies in less than one year (June 2012 and March 2013), is that when you finally get pregnant again, you tend to spend any free time you have in the doctor's/midwife's office or worrying when you aren't. So I have been trying to keep my hands busy with lots of crocheting. The upside to this is lots of fun projects come out, the downside is I haven't been blogging. I really do want to chronicle this baby's journey with you all though so I will try to post more from now on. We have our 9 week ultrasound today. Hopefully we will get a video of the heartbeat as well as pictures of the baby. I am hopeful for this little one. Each day I am still pregnant is a day we rejoice. If everything goes well for us today we will be rejoicing the rest of the week.

So anyway when I first found out I was having a rainbow baby, I started a crocheted rainbow baby blanket. Well I finished it a few days ago and I would like to share some pictures. Here it is. It is not baby yarn sadly but I did find a tutorial on how to soften regular yarn to be like baby yarn. I tried it and we shall see the results when it comes out of the dryer. Well I hope to be posting good news tonight. Until then.. have a great day!

October 15th: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

So in case you are not aware, today was the day to remember our lost little angels. Though really it is the day to be able to share that with friends who have never experienced that loss because to be fair, we as parents of loss never forget. Our angels live in our hearts always.

Today though this day was one of those days that make you embrace life tightly. I woke up doubled over in pain, because for the last few days I had been having horrible cramps that made me think I was about to lose our sweet rainbow baby. I choked down the fear in my heart and called my midwife. She told me to come right in and so after calling into work and waiting until Bug got off the school bus, we drove the 30 mins to our OBGYN office. We anxiously waited to see the sonographer and as I laid down on that table and nervously bit my lip, bracing myself to have to light one more candle tonight bringing my sad total of lost babies to 4, she smiled and told me my baby was "cute as a button". I almost burst into tears. Everything was fine! The heartbeat was perfect, the baby was measuring perfect, and she even let me hear the heartbeat. It was so clear and strong. After a urine sample my midwife announced that I had a UTI. She sent me for another urine sample at the hospital along with the standard 1st trimester blood work, where they draw 7 vials of blood, and wrote me a prescription for pregnancy safe antibiotics. So a few hours later I had taken my first dose and was starting to feel a bit better.

So after all that... I found a new reason to cherish today. I came home, and at 7 PM our time I lit my angel baby candles in remembrance of our 3 lost angels (the main one being our sweet Asya Rose). I felt though that for the first time since we knew this little one was growing inside of me... a hope.. that maybe this time, we will get to take home another baby. I looked at Bug, so big, so sweet and smart. I felt the growing bump beneath my fingers... so sweet and tiny and new but strong. I looked at the candles for the two early lost babies, never named, never really mourned, and lastly the candle for Asya, my sweet middle child. All five of my children.. here or in heaven and I felt hope and for the first time in a long long time.. true peace.

Sorry I have been MIA, It's been a bit crazy...

Well let me start off this post by saying, if you have been following this blog this year you have seen our trials and tribulations. I have often found in the last year that I just have nothing to say to my readers, or am too tired or sad to do so. This time though.. this lull... was for a happy reason. We are expecting baby number 3 in May. I am so nervous and trying so hard to be hopeful. This is technically our 5th pregnancy, and the 3rd to make it past 5 weeks. I am currently 7 weeks along. In 2 more weeks we get to go in for another ultrasound. We had the first one at 5 weeks. I feel like every day we stay pregnant is a miracle, a tiny victory. A win over infertility. We found out on Bug's 4th birthday, just like he said we would. I took 4 tests over a week just to make sure. To say we are happy, doesn't even begin to describe how we feel, but with happy comes scared, scared that this will be another angel baby instead of our long awaited rainbow baby. I decided to pass the time of my first trimester by hand crocheting a rainbow baby blanket for our baby. It is a great way to focus on the positive and the future. I know better than a lot of people the frailty of life and how fragile it can all be, how quickly it can all disappear... but I am praying and hoping that our rainbow baby is healthy and strong.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

As many of you know, my family has suffered 3 losses. Two early on, One 2 weeks into our second trimester. We suffered greatly and any family does. Now 6 months after our last and worst loss, our family has recovered, our lives have returned to normal and we are looking towards the future and bringing home a rainbow baby someday soon. Yet we are never going to be the same, entirely. Our family was ripped apart when we lost our daughter Asya Rose. We are not uncommon. 1 in 4 women has lost at least one child.  Maybe you yourself is one of those 1 in 4. Maybe you have a sister, Mother, Daughter, friend, who has lost babies. 1 in 4 have. Yet many women never talk about it, never mention it, suffer in silence. I know that for me... talking about it was the only thing that helped. Despite the fact that I lost friends, had people walk out of my life because they felt I should just "get over it", I had to heal in my own way, in my own time. There are many women for whom losing a child, unborn or after birth, is something that haunts them until their dying day. My grandmother's first born child was a full term stillbirth. When I lived with her she was in her late 70's and early 80's. She still would tear up a bit when she would talk about her lost baby. She had 5 children who walked this earth but she had 6 children in all, one just got to heaven a little bit earlier. We all have troubles and sorrows in this life, but only the loss of a child are we supposed to shoulder alone. The single greatest sorrow a human being can undergo, the loss of their child, their flesh and blood, the child they carried inside them, and we expect these women to be silent, to just "get over it". So this month we remember these lost babies and children, we honor these women, and men (Father's weep over their children too). I am 1 in 4, are you, is someone you love?