Monday, March 4, 2013

A Beautiful Goodbye (Graphic deals with loss and healing)

As some of my readers and dear friends know, over the weekend my D and C got rescheduled to today. The more I thought about it and the closer it got the day of it the more fear i felt, not only of going under general anesthesia but also of knowing I would never get to see my baby or give it a proper burial. The closer it got to Monday the deeper and darker my fear ran and the worse it go until Sunday night I decided I just could not go through with it.
So this morning I called my OB and told her of my change of plans. I chose to take the medicine in order to speed things along.  I had done my research, I knew what to expect, what the possible complications and risks were and was ready to face what came.
Around noon my Mother in law came to watch our son while we went in to talk to the OB more and get the prescriptions filled. She brought with her beautiful roses which I felt were fitting because at Bug's birth there were so many flowers. I felt this baby gets to have a birth even if it is a sad one. When we returned home, I took the medicine. I remember it was about 3:15 PM. I jokingly wondered how long it would take. Not long it turned out.
I was talking to a dear friend over FB when I began to feel contractions. It was about 5:30. They came on suddenly and strong. I wasn't sure what I was feeling as I never got to have contractions, labor or anything with my son. I had always wanted to have a water birth with my son, and those dreams were cut short when the word c section was said. So I was in the middle of telling my friend something when I felt a very strong "POP" followed by what I assumed was a flood of blood.
I got up and ran to the bathroom and when I realized that what I had felt was my water breaking I almost laughed. I had never gotten to feel that before. As the waters ran down my legs, I drew a bath... knowing I would finally get a water birth.
I lay in the bath sort of suspended on my knees and felt a strong urge to push. My body just knew what it was doing. I pushed and then there floating in the clear bath water was a tiny perfectly formed little baby. It was about the size of a grape. I held my hand out and it just washed up onto my palm like it was sleeping so peacefully and wanted to be held by it's Mommy for the first and last time. I just held it in my hand for about 10 minutes. Just stared at this tiny beautiful baby. I cried and I loved. I just relished the thought that I can always say I held both my children in my hands at least once. (If you don't count the two losses that were under 5 weeks).
When I felt I was ready I took one picture with my camera to immortalize this tiny life and then buried the tiny wonder in my rose bush pot. For the last two years Hubby has bought me miniature roses for Valentine's day and we plan to continue the tradition. They are in a really huge pot. I know that for as long as those roses stay alive, so will the memory of my beautiful child.
About 10 minutes later the first wave of the rest of it hit. I won't go into too much detail with that aspect of it.. but the majority of the rest came out all at once. I am pretty sure the majority of the miscarriage is over. I am still in pain both physically and emotionally, my heart though is light. I got to say goodbye, I got to have a real birth and I got to hold my baby in my hand. Glory be to God, I am at peace.
Someday we may have another take home baby, but I know in my heart now I have seen and held both my children and though one is gone, the other is a happy healthy 3 yr old and every moment of every day he makes my heart smile. For now, though I am still sad, I am joyful too. I know I chose the right path and once again, realized natural parenting, and natural medicine and healing is always the best path.

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