Thursday, March 28, 2013

Easter Crafts and Fairy Fun

So this weekend Bug and I started our Easter Garden, dyed some eggs, and started our Fairy Garden. We also did a few other little fun projects recently and I realized I should probably post about them.
First on the list... the Easter Garden. This is what it is supposed to look like but our grass hasn't sprouted yet, but hopefully soon it will. 
Here is ours. 

Next up is our Fairy Garden. Bug was particularly excited about doing this. We plan to add more over the spring but for now it has grass dill, peas and marigolds planted in it.

Next on my list is another soon to sprout decoration, an Easter vase. Not sure if it will sprout soon but hoping. 

Last but not least here is the paint recipe I promised. It is 1 cup salt, 1 cup water, 1 cup flower, food coloring and a teaspoon of dish detergent. Here is the great paint we made and Bug using it.

So I hope this post made your Easter a little craftier or and gave you some fun ideas. Happy Easter or for my Pagan friends Happy Beltane, or for my Jewish friends Happy Passover, or for my Indian friends Happy Holi.

We would have been 18 weeks...

Well here we are. 18 weeks. Well we would have been anyway. This Sunday. We would have been going in for an ultrasound to determine sex, and instead we have an ultrasound set for Friday night to make sure all the pieces are out. That would make me even more upset unless I knew for sure Asya was born whole. Which she was. As it is, going in being asked to do an ultrasound after the lst one determined your beautiful baby was dead, and worst of all on the what would have been date of a gender scan. Sigh. It's almost more than I can handle right now.
I finally bought myself a grommet press for garb making and more snaps to do the birthing doll I am donating for the GCDC. I am trying to get that done along with a lot of other things going on.. taking it one day at a time. I finally did get the birthstone ring for Asya Rose. I now proudly display both my kids on my finger even though one is in heaven. I have so many Easter crafts and happy pictures to post about but I felt I needed to say this stuff. Anyway I will leave you with a picture of my ring now and then I will begin posting about happier things.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

A Most Green St. Patrick's Day

Well finding subjects to write about other than loss of a baby has been hard, but we actually did have a truly wonderful St. Patrick's Day. I decided that since it was the first Holiday since losing Asya Rose (which I find it funny that I have never used Bug's real name on this blog but feel almost as though I need to use hers), and I felt we need to celebrate it fully.

So Bug and I (which if you are at all curious Bug's real name is Aleksandr Robert, yes both my children have weird Russian names and the initials AR), woke up and made green pancakes and green juice.

Then we put on Irish music and donned traditional green Celtic clothes. Bug wore his kilt and a green shamrock t-shirt. I wore my green chemise and black bodice overdress. We were quite the pair. We also made some rainbow paint to paint with using a very simple recipe. I will post more about that.

The day finished up with some well made corned beef and cabbage cooked in the crock pot and some family hugs with Asya's Roses. All in all it was a very nice day. I am actually looking forward to Easter now.

Friday, March 8, 2013

GCDC and other Upcoming April Events

As many of you know, the GCDC or Great Cloth Diaper Change is again coming up. This will be year three and the third year The Green Mommy has been involved. The first year I tried to get one started here (failed but tried), second year I helped get one started here that was run by my good friend Liz H. I also was a sponsor of the event. This year I had been so excited. I planned to be co host of the event for this area, and full on sponsor both through donations as well as many products to giveaway this year including a breastfeeding Green Mommy Mama Doll. Now the thought of spending the day in a room filled with babies is heartbreaking. So I finally after much thought have decided I still would like to donate the doll, but that is as much involvement as i can muster this year. I am hoping and praying that by this time next year either I am holding a new baby in my arms or I am pretty far along in a a pregnancy. I personally would like to start TTC around this summer. I feel if we wait too long our fear and anxiety will get the better of us and soon enough we will just be a one kid household forever, or worse have a surprise kid in our 40's.
Also speaking of doll making I decided the other day to create a remembrance doll for our lost angelbaby. I am not quite finished, there are some details I would like to add but mostly she is done. She has baby blue and pink hair, the colors of infant and pregnancy loss awareness. She has one stripe of sapphire colored hair for the duedate of our baby. She is wearing a starry night dress with a wooly comforting shawl wrapped around her. She has closed sad eyes, a single tear and a sad little smile. I really felt she embodies my pain and joy right now.

 Here she is pictured with my Green Mommy Mama Doll, which I made about a year ago. She has a birthing belly, a baby, ring sling, breastfeeding abilities and a snap on and off placenta. I plan to give the remembrance doll and pot of roses or some roses in a blanket. I feel these two dolls represent my walk with both my kids. The two sides to The Green Mommy.

In other April events though, The Green Mommy Earth Day Garbage Walk will go ahead as planned. It will be on the Saturday before Earth Day this year, So it will be Saturday the 20th of April. If you would like to help out or be a walker let me know. Also if you would like to do one in your own town in conjunction with ours, please let me know and take pics so we can share the different places that help participate. Last year we gathered I think 2 whole 30 gallon bags of trash, just from downtown and the park. So anyway I am sure I will have more announcements to come closer to April but for now, this is what we have planned. :)

Thursday, March 7, 2013

One Week

One week ago today, I knew we had lost our baby. I really had avoided talking about the way we found out but I think now I am ready to talk about the events of that day.
As many of you know we had two previous losses, both early, one before Bug and one before Sugarbaby. We used a midwife for Bug, a well recommended one who I adored and who helped immensely  despite the awful outcome in Bug's birth. With Sugarbaby, we were denied access to a midwife and told an OB was our only choice. So I selected the only female OB in this entire area. I felt going with a woman was more important than anything and I was dead wrong. I did no research on her, asked no one what they thought.... just blindly signed up as a patient. We saw her office twice before last Thursday. The first time we were only graced the presence of her nurse and the second time we almost didn't get to see her at all because she was so late. I told both her and her nurse repeatedly I had had two previous miscarriages, that I had been sick the entire pregnancy and that I had cramped harshly the whole time. I had never had cramping with Bug. My body was telling me something was wrong. Still though my blood work came back fine, my first sonogram showed a string heartbeat and a moving healthy 9 week baby... everything was fine.
Then I fell down an icy flight of stairs, I called my OB and her secretary told me she had said I would be fine. Turned out my OB wasn't even there that day and the secretary was doling out healthcare advice without the knowledge to back it up. I was told the next day when I tried to see my doctor that if I was that worried to just go to the hospital.. I fell down stairs and my doctor would not even see me!!!!
So we went in and got a sonogram done and again, healthy baby, strong heartbeat. The only hint of danger was a small tear they said. Yet still everyone said I was fine, that everything was ok, and the baby was strong. My doctor had scheduled my appointments at 9 weeks and then at 15 weeks. 6 weeks apart! By 12 weeks I knew something was very wrong. I kept asking people if they thought I should go in and see her, demand to be listed high risk. I hadn't felt even flutter movements, I was cramping and my belly had started to shrink. I didn't know it then but my baby had died around that week between 11 and 12 weeks.
 On Thursday I was almost 14 weeks. I was in denial that my belly had gone down even more. My breasts were shrinking and I woke up that morning bleeding. I screamed. I immediately called the doctor and it was almost an hour before I was told finally that I could come in. I called my Mother in law to come take me and Bug in since Hubby was at work. After another half hour of waiting in the doctors office we were seen. She told me nothing was wrong, everything was fine. even though her nurse had just switched my status on my file to High Risk, something they should have done from the beginning. When they couldn't find and heartbeat she again told me, don't worry, everything is fine. By this point I knew something was very wrong and wanted to slap the next person who said don't worry.
She sent us to the hospital for another ultrasound. The tech had me go in alone and was joking and talking with me the whole time. I was so at ease with her I just assumed everything really was fine, because no one could be THAT casual when a dead baby was concerned. Unless they were really awful people. So I was a bit caught off guard when she said "Ok I will take this to the radiologist and your doctor will let you know what's going on." I suddenly was thrust back into reality and said "But everything is ok right?" "Your doctor will talk to you." "but you found a heartbeat...?" "NO". "do we need to do an internal scan?" At this point I was in disbelief and basically was convinced she was wrong and something would bring my baby back. This woman was dumb right? Right? I think she knew that was where  my brain was going so she swung the computer screen around which was focused on my tiny perfectly formed mini baby, and it's legs swung slowly in the fluid in the most sickeningly way and and the normal ticking of the heartbeat flicker was silent. I literally felt my heart turn cold and my mind went blank. Then she said "No see look there is no need".
Then she got up told me she was going to get Bug and my MIL and would "give me a minute". I really wanted to say.... "I am 14 weeks pregnant, we were supposed to find out the sex in 4 weeks, in 6 weeks we would be halfway, and you just told me that child is dead as casually as you would tell someone their favorite chip flavor is out of stock but yeah... give me a minute. I will be fine in 60 seconds.
Then my Mother in law and son came into the room, both with hopeful smiles, I knew they had not been told. I said "They could not find a heartbeat, the baby is dead." My mother in law started to cry and then I pulled Bug into my arms and had to tell him he was not going to be a big brother. He sobbed on my shoulder.
We were then told to go upstairs to maternity to wait to talk to my OB. Because the place you should send a greiving mother who lost her baby at 14 weeks is the place babies are being born! We sat there waiting for almost 2 hours. In the meantime we got a hold of my hubby who got there and still had time to wait with us for the second hour. At the end my OB called us in, sat us down in a weird seating area, most likely used for all types of horrible news such as this and told us flat out, just like this, "Well there was no heartbeat, it looks like the baby was measuring around 10 weeks (which meant between 11 and 12 weeks because Sugarbaby had been measuring about a week under). You have three options, d and c, pills or natural." She explained a bit about each option and then told us "don't worry this is really common". We were then sent home. We had been at the doctors/hospital since 10 AM and it was now about 4 PM and she talked to us about the death of our child for less than 5 minutes. At this point I really really did not like this woman.
So we left.... we left not knowing what the next few days would bring, we left in shock, and pain, knowing our house was half set up for the arrival of our second child, we left not knowing how we would help our firstborn understand the death of his sister or brother, we left knowing that had I not started bleeding that morning, we would not have known our child was dead until 15 weeks, almost 16, when I went in for my next appointment. Most of all we left knowing that at least this OB had proven what I already had known for years, that when it came to healing, doctors are just not the way to go or care about your well being AT ALL. I know if we ever have another child we will have to see an OB but I hope upon hope that I can somehow also have a midwife again. All I know is my midwife would never have let any of these horrible things happen and had beyond all her help we still lost the baby, she would have held me while I cried. I hate to say it is so black in white but in my experience MIDWIFE=GOOD, OB=BAD.
So there you have it... the worst day of my life. I just am so grateful that a few days later I chose to go with my gut, my faith in God and my own faith in home medicine and holistic healing and walked away form the d and c and got to have the healing of a home water birth and funeral for my angel Sugarbaby.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

A Book A Book.... Two Books.... Look Two Books

Ok so I am trying now to turn my thoughts to new projects, my garden, remembrance crafts I can do with Bug, getting my house in shape, and reconnecting with friends and fans. So in doing that over the last few days I learned that my good friend Mike Balonek has written another book. In case you forgot, he wrote one last year called "Our Daddy is an Ethnomusicologist". It was a really nice book for kids and I bought a copy, of course, and gave it to the Bug for Easter. So I immediately asked him when he would write one about their adventures in India. His answer was to publish a new book, just in time for this Easter, all about India. The book is called "Adventures In India: The Maha Kumbh Mela". You can buy either book on Amazon. It costs 7.99 in paperback or 3.99 for the kindle addition. I plan to buy one this week and save it for Bug's Easter gift. Mike and Amanda are two of my oldest and dearest friends and have been living and teaching and helping in India almost as long as I have known them. They occasionally make it to the States, and we are always glad to see them. I have learned much from them about Attachment Parenting, Green living, and peaceful life. They do what makes them happy and their children are two of the smartest most wonderful kids ever. So if you didn't buy his first book last year when I promoted it... please pick it up, and also try the new one. I promise you will learn right along with your kids.

Monday, March 4, 2013

A Beautiful Goodbye (Graphic deals with loss and healing)

As some of my readers and dear friends know, over the weekend my D and C got rescheduled to today. The more I thought about it and the closer it got the day of it the more fear i felt, not only of going under general anesthesia but also of knowing I would never get to see my baby or give it a proper burial. The closer it got to Monday the deeper and darker my fear ran and the worse it go until Sunday night I decided I just could not go through with it.
So this morning I called my OB and told her of my change of plans. I chose to take the medicine in order to speed things along.  I had done my research, I knew what to expect, what the possible complications and risks were and was ready to face what came.
Around noon my Mother in law came to watch our son while we went in to talk to the OB more and get the prescriptions filled. She brought with her beautiful roses which I felt were fitting because at Bug's birth there were so many flowers. I felt this baby gets to have a birth even if it is a sad one. When we returned home, I took the medicine. I remember it was about 3:15 PM. I jokingly wondered how long it would take. Not long it turned out.
I was talking to a dear friend over FB when I began to feel contractions. It was about 5:30. They came on suddenly and strong. I wasn't sure what I was feeling as I never got to have contractions, labor or anything with my son. I had always wanted to have a water birth with my son, and those dreams were cut short when the word c section was said. So I was in the middle of telling my friend something when I felt a very strong "POP" followed by what I assumed was a flood of blood.
I got up and ran to the bathroom and when I realized that what I had felt was my water breaking I almost laughed. I had never gotten to feel that before. As the waters ran down my legs, I drew a bath... knowing I would finally get a water birth.
I lay in the bath sort of suspended on my knees and felt a strong urge to push. My body just knew what it was doing. I pushed and then there floating in the clear bath water was a tiny perfectly formed little baby. It was about the size of a grape. I held my hand out and it just washed up onto my palm like it was sleeping so peacefully and wanted to be held by it's Mommy for the first and last time. I just held it in my hand for about 10 minutes. Just stared at this tiny beautiful baby. I cried and I loved. I just relished the thought that I can always say I held both my children in my hands at least once. (If you don't count the two losses that were under 5 weeks).
When I felt I was ready I took one picture with my camera to immortalize this tiny life and then buried the tiny wonder in my rose bush pot. For the last two years Hubby has bought me miniature roses for Valentine's day and we plan to continue the tradition. They are in a really huge pot. I know that for as long as those roses stay alive, so will the memory of my beautiful child.
About 10 minutes later the first wave of the rest of it hit. I won't go into too much detail with that aspect of it.. but the majority of the rest came out all at once. I am pretty sure the majority of the miscarriage is over. I am still in pain both physically and emotionally, my heart though is light. I got to say goodbye, I got to have a real birth and I got to hold my baby in my hand. Glory be to God, I am at peace.
Someday we may have another take home baby, but I know in my heart now I have seen and held both my children and though one is gone, the other is a happy healthy 3 yr old and every moment of every day he makes my heart smile. For now, though I am still sad, I am joyful too. I know I chose the right path and once again, realized natural parenting, and natural medicine and healing is always the best path.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Being Strong

I have been told over and over in the last few days, that my talking so much about this loss, has helped other women come out of the shadows of shame and sadness, and begin to talk about their losses. I have heard the saddest stories. Some had happier endings, some did not. Yet all these women need to be able to talk about this life changing horrible thing. Being strong does not mean suffering in silence. Why is loss of a pregnancy or infant so often such a taboo subject. If parents lose a child age 3, or age 16 people expect them to be sad or cry or talk about. Yet if that child was 20 weeks prenatal, or a still birth.... people tend to get iffy, and squeamish. They expect you to go, oh well, we will try again soon.
How can you though? Was that baby not loved? It may have had a name. Ours did only we still don't know if the sex had been a girl or a boy so we hadn't given one of the two names. We had dubbed it only, Sugarbaby. It was as much our child as Bug is. We had not loved it as long .. but we did love it.
1 in four women suffer from at least one loss in their lifetimes. Often many over and over. With so many of us suffering it's a wonder more of us aren't talking. We need to break this silent wall down and let out our feelings. You are strong ladies ( and men.. my husband is very hurt by this loss), you are strong just knowing you carry on, but you do not have to be silent.

Friday, March 1, 2013

The Choices and The Trials

Ever since the stick turned positive with this baby I had been given 0 choices medically, and despite fighting tooth and nail, I had all but given up. Now that yet another choice was ripped from me, that to even have a baby at all, I find myself with one last choice. To wait for a natural loss or have a d and c. I chose a d and c which we will do tomorrow. I feel despite this not being a natural choice, it is what I want. I would like to no longer house my deceased child within my body and would like to go back to life as normal.
I feel that so few of the women I know have had an easy time giving birth or conceiving, or keeping their baby. For us this makes loss 3. Of my close friends I have one who can not have children, two still after years TTC their first, and several like me who have battled loss and TTC just to have one and now have faced even more pain and trials and loss TTC a second. Yet outside this group I am constantly seeing women just going "oops pregnant again". OOPS? You mean you can conceive without months of TTC or drugs or doctors... and then your baby just lives... to fullterm? What is that like??? To me and many of the women I adore... that is akin to standing on the sun.
Now don't get me wrong I am not mad at these women, or begrudge them their babies, I just wish they understood. That they saw how hard it is for us, for every woman who ever charted, or waited each month to see a BFP only to have that baby then die. TTC is the hardest thing that any woman ever goes through.. it is months and sometimes years of disappointment and heartache and loss.
When I finally after months of TTC Sugarbaby had almost given up, I actually had women telling me "You are trying too hard" and that they themselves "got pregnant the one time they didn't use BC". Well that is all well and good except for one thing.... most people can not get pregnant that easily!!!! 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, and that is just the ones who make it to viability. If you threw in the statistics of women TTC it would be staggering.
I also have been told over and over "You have one perfect child". true but we would like to have the same choices and ability to have two children, that you do. If you have 2, 3, 10 kids would that give me the right to tell you "maybe you have enough perfect children." You wouldn't like that would you. Saying you have other kids to a Mom suffering loss is not helpful.
Like Death, Birth is so often something we don't have a ton of choice in. We can choose to embark on the journey but who knows where it will lead. For me and for Sugarbaby it lead to 14 weeks of love and plans and hopes and dreams and a baby shower in the works and a room half converted to room a new baby. It lead to a super happy 3 yr old, proud to be a big brother and parents overjoyed that after 4 yrs they would finally be a complete family. Then it lead to death, tears, loss, horror, and intense despair. This is the last night I will lie awake as I have so many nights during this 14 weeks. It is the last night I will hold Sugarbaby in my belly. Only tonight I know she is no longer alive.
Someday we may have a healthy full term second child, but it won't be easy, it won't be quick, and sadly it won't be Sugarbaby. Goodbye my beautiful angelbaby.

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