Last June we had our second loss. It was another early one. I was about 5 weeks along this time. I wrote about it in this blog. It was pretty awful and made me realize how badly I wanted a second child. After much discussion we began TTC again. Bug was almost 3 years old. I knew that unless we got pregnant right away we were looking at a 4 yr age gap between our kids. This time everything seemed to be on repeat. A loss, deciding to TTC, it taking months, the Holidays coming... everything was the same, and I was more and more determined that like with Bug everything would be perfect again.
Christmas brought the usual questions of "Don't you guys want another kid?" "Oh you are trying? Well get on that!". Little did we know then but we already were pregnant.
We told Bug soon after. He was so beyond excited. He couldn't wait to be a big brother. We decided to hold off telling people but after I was about 6 weeks along we were just bursting so on December 31st we announced it to the world like this. As it turned out that was the day my Grandmother died. Our happy news turned very sad that day. I felt as though that day a cloud moved over our pregnancy. Nothing felt quite safe or happy again. I loved my Grandmother more than words could say and losing her broke something inside of my heart.
Still though we picked names for the baby, Rory Hale if it was a boy and River Anne if it was a girl. We were all sure it was a girl though. We nicknamed her Sugarbaby because all I craved was sugar. My belly popped early and by 10 weeks I was huge.
Then she got up told me she was going to get Bug and my MIL and would "give me a minute". I really wanted to say.... "I am 14 weeks pregnant, we were supposed to find out the sex in 4 weeks, in 6 weeks we would be halfway, and you just told me that child is dead as casually as you would tell someone their favorite chip flavor is out of stock but yeah... give me a minute. I will be fine in 60 seconds.
So we left.... we left not knowing what the next few days would bring, we left in shock, and pain, knowing our house was half set up for the arrival of our second child, we left not knowing how we would help our firstborn understand the death of his sister or brother, we left knowing that had I not started bleeding that morning, we would not have known our child was dead until 15 weeks, almost 16, when I went in for my next appointment.
Around noon my Mother in law came to watch our son while we went in to talk to the OB more and get the prescriptions filled. She brought with her beautiful roses which I felt were fitting because at Bug's birth there were so many flowers. I felt this baby gets to have a birth even if it is a sad one. When we returned home, I took the medicine. I remember it was about 3:15 PM. I jokingly wondered how long it would take. Not long it turned out.
I was talking to a dear friend over FB when I began to feel contractions. It was about 5:30. They came on suddenly and strong. I wasn't sure what I was feeling as I never got to have contractions, labor or anything with my son. I had always wanted to have a water birth with my son, and those dreams were cut short when the word c section was said. So I was in the middle of telling my friend something when I felt a very strong "POP" followed by what I assumed was a flood of blood.
I got up and ran to the bathroom and when I realized that what I had felt was my water breaking I almost laughed. I had never gotten to feel that before. As the waters ran down my legs, I drew a bath... knowing I would finally get a water birth.
I lay in the bath sort of suspended on my knees and felt a strong urge to push. My body just knew what it was doing. I pushed and then there floating in the clear bath water was a tiny perfectly formed little baby. It was about the size of a grape. I held my hand out and it just washed up onto my palm like it was sleeping so peacefully and wanted to be held by it's Mommy for the first and last time. I just held it in my hand for about 10 minutes. Just stared at this tiny beautiful baby. I cried and I loved. I just relished the thought that I can always say I held both my children in my hands at least once. (If you don't count the two losses that were under 5 weeks).
About 10 minutes later the first wave of the rest of it hit. I won't go into too much detail with that aspect of it.. but the majority of the rest came out all at once.