Asya Rose "Sugarbaby"

For those of you who read this blog all the time, or lately, will know that we have had 2 children. Even though only one is with us today.
Last June we had our second loss. It was another early one. I was about 5 weeks along this time. I wrote about it in this blog. It was pretty awful and made me realize how badly I wanted a second child. After much discussion we began TTC again. Bug was almost 3 years old. I knew that unless we got pregnant right away we were looking at a 4 yr age gap between our kids. This time everything seemed to be on repeat. A loss, deciding to TTC, it taking months, the Holidays coming... everything was the same, and I was more and more determined that like with Bug everything would be perfect again.
Christmas brought the usual questions of "Don't you guys want another kid?" "Oh you are trying? Well get on that!". Little did we know then but we already were pregnant.

On December 26th 2012 I took a test. Like with Bug I had taken a negative test a few days before and had already decided I was not pregnant. I was 4 days late on the 26th and after spending Christmas Day feeling queasy I decided better safe than sorry. I remember staring at the positive just trembling. I was so happy, my whole body was smiling. I ran into the kitchen and said to Hubby, "So are you ready to be a Father to two kids?" He promptly sliced his hand open with the knife he was slicing bread with. When he cleaned himself up he and I laughed and talked and planned.

We told Bug soon after. He was so beyond excited. He couldn't wait to be a big brother. We decided to hold off telling people but after I was about 6 weeks along we were just bursting so on December 31st we announced it to the world like this. As it turned out that was the day my Grandmother died. Our happy news turned very sad that day. I felt as though that day a cloud moved over our pregnancy. Nothing felt quite safe or happy again. I loved my Grandmother more than words could say and losing her broke something inside of my heart.
Still though we picked names for the baby, Rory Hale if it was a boy and River Anne if it was a girl. We were all sure it was a girl though. We nicknamed her Sugarbaby because all I craved was sugar. My belly popped early and by 10 weeks I was huge.

We got to see our first sonagram and look at our sweet little baby. We were so overjoyed. We had made it this far, we felt safe. This was going to be just like Bug, it would erase the other two losses and everything would be fine. We would finally have our little baby girl. By 13 weeks though I was positive something was wrong. Nothing felt right. I just felt ... wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it. I was worried all the time. I just couldn't shake my head of the feeling of doubt. 

At 13 weeks 4 days on February 28th 2013 I woke up spotting. I freaked out. I immediately called the doctor and it was almost an hour before I was told finally that I could come in. I called my Mother in law to come take me and Bug in since Hubby was at work. After another half hour of waiting in the doctors office we were seen. She told me nothing was wrong, everything was fine. even though her nurse had just switched my status on my file to High Risk, something they should have done from the beginning. When they couldn't find and heartbeat she again told me, don't worry, everything is fine. By this point I knew something was very wrong and wanted to slap the next person who said don't worry.

She sent us to the hospital for another ultrasound. The tech had me go in alone and was joking and talking with me the whole time. I was so at ease with her I just assumed everything really was fine, because no one could be THAT casual when a dead baby was concerned. Unless they were really awful people. So I was a bit caught off guard when she said "Ok I will take this to the radiologist and your doctor will let you know what's going on." I suddenly was thrust back into reality and said "But everything is ok right?" "Your doctor will talk to you." "but you found a heartbeat...?" "NO". "do we need to do an internal scan?" At this point I was in disbelief and basically was convinced she was wrong and something would bring my baby back. This woman was dumb right? Right? I think she knew that was where my brain was going so she swung the computer screen around which was focused on my tiny perfectly formed mini baby, and it's legs swung slowly in the fluid in the most sickeningly way and and the normal ticking of the heartbeat flicker was silent. I literally felt my heart turn cold and my mind went blank. Then she said "No see look there is no need".
Then she got up told me she was going to get Bug and my MIL and would "give me a minute". I really wanted to say.... "I am 14 weeks pregnant, we were supposed to find out the sex in 4 weeks, in 6 weeks we would be halfway, and you just told me that child is dead as casually as you would tell someone their favorite chip flavor is out of stock but yeah... give me a minute. I will be fine in 60 seconds.

Then my Mother in law and son came into the room, both with hopeful smiles, I knew they had not been told. I said "They could not find a heartbeat, the baby is dead." My mother in law started to cry and then I pulled Bug into my arms and had to tell him he was not going to be a big brother. He sobbed on my shoulder.

We were then told to go upstairs to maternity to wait to talk to my OB. Because the place you should send a greiving mother who lost her baby at 14 weeks is the place babies are being born! We sat there waiting for almost 2 hours. In the meantime we got a hold of my hubby who got there and still had time to wait with us for the second hour. At the end my OB called us in, sat us down in a weird seating area, most likely used for all types of horrible news such as this and told us flat out, just like this, "Well there was no heartbeat, it looks like the baby was measuring around 10 weeks (which meant between 11 and 12 weeks because Sugarbaby had been measuring about a week under). You have three options, d and c, pills or natural." She explained a bit about each option and then told us "don't worry this is really common". We were then sent home.
So we left.... we left not knowing what the next few days would bring, we left in shock, and pain, knowing our house was half set up for the arrival of our second child, we left not knowing how we would help our firstborn understand the death of his sister or brother, we left knowing that had I not started bleeding that morning, we would not have known our child was dead until 15 weeks, almost 16, when I went in for my next appointment.

My OB scheduled my D and C for that Monday, March 4th 2013, but as the day grew closer the more fear I felt, not only of going under general anesthesia but also of knowing I would never get to see my baby or give it a proper burial. The closer it got to Monday the deeper and darker my fear ran and the worse it go until Sunday night I decided I just could not go through with it.

So I called my OB and told her of my change of plans. I chose to take the medicine in order to speed things along. I had done my research, I knew what to expect, what the possible complications and risks were and was ready to face what came.
Around noon my Mother in law came to watch our son while we went in to talk to the OB more and get the prescriptions filled. She brought with her beautiful roses which I felt were fitting because at Bug's birth there were so many flowers. I felt this baby gets to have a birth even if it is a sad one. When we returned home, I took the medicine. I remember it was about 3:15 PM. I jokingly wondered how long it would take. Not long it turned out.

I was talking to a dear friend over FB when I began to feel contractions. It was about 5:30. They came on suddenly and strong. I wasn't sure what I was feeling as I never got to have contractions, labor or anything with my son. I had always wanted to have a water birth with my son, and those dreams were cut short when the word c section was said. So I was in the middle of telling my friend something when I felt a very strong "POP" followed by what I assumed was a flood of blood.
I got up and ran to the bathroom and when I realized that what I had felt was my water breaking I almost laughed. I had never gotten to feel that before. As the waters ran down my legs, I drew a bath... knowing I would finally get a water birth.
I lay in the bath sort of suspended on my knees and felt a strong urge to push. My body just knew what it was doing. I pushed and then there floating in the clear bath water was a tiny perfectly formed little baby. It was about the size of a grape. I held my hand out and it just washed up onto my palm like it was sleeping so peacefully and wanted to be held by it's Mommy for the first and last time. I just held it in my hand for about 10 minutes. Just stared at this tiny beautiful baby. I cried and I loved. I just relished the thought that I can always say I held both my children in my hands at least once. (If you don't count the two losses that were under 5 weeks).

When I felt I was ready I took one picture with my camera to immortalize this tiny life and then buried the tiny wonder in my rose bush pot. For the last two years Hubby has bought me miniature roses for Valentine's day and we plan to continue the tradition. They are in a really huge pot. I know that for as long as those roses stay alive, so will the memory of my beautiful child.
About 10 minutes later the first wave of the rest of it hit. I won't go into too much detail with that aspect of it.. but the majority of the rest came out all at once.

That was 9 weeks ago today. I am still in pain both physically and emotionally, my heart though is light. I got to say goodbye, I got to have a real birth and I got to hold my baby in my hand. The day after I gave birth to her we decided she needed a name. Since none of the name we had picked seemed to fit now, we decided on Asya Rose. It means "Born into Mourning, of the Rose". I have my good days and I have my bad but I will always love Asya Rose. I made her a remembrance doll to express my love and I bought a birthstone ring for her to go to my family ring. She is in our hearts forever. Our beautiful second child.