Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Loss (this post is graphic and sad so fair warning)

Everyday in every way I am surrounded by Moms. Almost all my closest friends are mothers and we talk about every aspect of motherhood, even occasionally the subject of loss. It is rare though that a mother will openly speak of the loss of a child especially a miscarriage because unlike the loss of a child who was born and lived (by societies standards I myself believe life begins at conception) who can be properly mourned and never forgotten... a child lost in the womb is most often easily forgotten, a mother is often told, don't think about it, just get over it.
I have seen so many of my friends lose babies. I have heard their pain and felt it reach into my soul. I have seen miscarriage after miscarriage and even 3 still births have happened to people I was close with. The shock and sorrow that comes from losing a child is something no parent should ever deal with but that sadly comes all to often.
I have lost two babies both very early so I felt like I should just get over it. The first time I had just turned 25 and Hubby and I had been going through a rough patch. We had sat down to a breakfast at our favorite diner and when the waitress brought the eggs I was hit with a wave of nausea and ran out to the parking lot and threw up everywhere. We knew then I was pregnant. I waited a few days to take a test and the day I was going to I woke up to the worst period cramps and heaviest bleeding I had ever had and knew I had lost it. I took a test later that day just to make sure and it had a faint positive so I knew the hormones were still in my body. I knew though that I had lost the baby. We decided after that though to start TTC. Losing the baby brought us closer together and caused us to realize we really were ready to be parents. 3 months later we conceived Bug. I tried to in that case see the bright side of the loss and know that everything happens for a reason.
The second time I lost a child was today. A few days ago Bug came running into my room, put his hand on my belly and said "Mommy you have a baby in your belly." Now if any other child said that to me I would laugh, tell them they are sweet and go on with my day, but Bug always seems to know things before they happen. He knows when I am sad, he even seems to know what we are thinking. So many times he has said something and a few hours or days later we realize what he said had come true. So when he said I was pregnant I knew it was probably true. So I started counting weeks and days and realized I was 2 days late. My good friend gave me a test and I took it. It was negative. I learned though with Bug that that doesn't always mean anything because I was 9 days late and took 3 tests before I got a positive test with him. Still though I took it at face value and said oh well I guess I wasn't pregnant afterall. So when I saw Bug I held him and said "Hunny Mommy doesn't have a baby in her belly ok." He said "No?" "No. Mommy took a test." He stopped looked confused and shook his head and said "But you had a baby in your belly last week.". At the time I thought it was a strange thing to say but figured he was just confused. Yesterday I started my period and knew the test had been right. Then today I doubled over in pain. I felt like I was dying, like somebody stabbed me in the gut. It was excruciating. When it stopped and I stood up there was a gush. Even though I had JUST changed my pad less than 10 minutes before I knew it would be soaked... I ran to the bathroom not sure what had happened or what to expect. What I found was that I had been pregnant and that I had lost the baby and the baby was now in my underwear. It was just a blob of flesh but I knew what it was. Bug had known. I just sat there staring and crying and not really sure how to feel. I finally had the courage to get up and get rid of it. I told Hubby and we talked about it for a while. In the end I had no idea how to feel and really still don't. I am waiting to see the bright side but really I just  feel empty. I feel as though I do not have the right to feel sad since so many of my friends have lost babies well into their pregnancy and I never even knew I was pregnant. Still though I flushed something that was part of me down the toilet today.... knowing it could have been my second child...


  1. I am sorry, so sorry and I love you and Bug so much. No real words of comfort, just letting you know you are always in my heart.

  2. Thank you so much hun. You words mean a lot. Hugs to you and your little ones. It was weird to be that sad about something that I didn't even know I wanted. I think it was more seeing it that was so shocking and scary. It was just empty feeling.


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