October 15th: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

So in case you are not aware, today was the day to remember our lost little angels. Though really it is the day to be able to share that with friends who have never experienced that loss because to be fair, we as parents of loss never forget. Our angels live in our hearts always.

Today though this day was one of those days that make you embrace life tightly. I woke up doubled over in pain, because for the last few days I had been having horrible cramps that made me think I was about to lose our sweet rainbow baby. I choked down the fear in my heart and called my midwife. She told me to come right in and so after calling into work and waiting until Bug got off the school bus, we drove the 30 mins to our OBGYN office. We anxiously waited to see the sonographer and as I laid down on that table and nervously bit my lip, bracing myself to have to light one more candle tonight bringing my sad total of lost babies to 4, she smiled and told me my baby was "cute as a button". I almost burst into tears. Everything was fine! The heartbeat was perfect, the baby was measuring perfect, and she even let me hear the heartbeat. It was so clear and strong. After a urine sample my midwife announced that I had a UTI. She sent me for another urine sample at the hospital along with the standard 1st trimester blood work, where they draw 7 vials of blood, and wrote me a prescription for pregnancy safe antibiotics. So a few hours later I had taken my first dose and was starting to feel a bit better.

So after all that... I found a new reason to cherish today. I came home, and at 7 PM our time I lit my angel baby candles in remembrance of our 3 lost angels (the main one being our sweet Asya Rose). I felt though that for the first time since we knew this little one was growing inside of me... a hope.. that maybe this time, we will get to take home another baby. I looked at Bug, so big, so sweet and smart. I felt the growing bump beneath my fingers... so sweet and tiny and new but strong. I looked at the candles for the two early lost babies, never named, never really mourned, and lastly the candle for Asya, my sweet middle child. All five of my children.. here or in heaven and I felt hope and for the first time in a long long time.. true peace.