Saturday, June 1, 2013

I am back.

Well I am sorry to all my readers for my almost month long hiatus. To be honest the last few weeks since Mother's Day I have come to realize I am suffering from depression. It ebbs and flows but it stems from the physical inability to move on from losing Asya. I say physical because I feel if my body would finally just let go and be done with this so called "extended miscarriage" that I could finally emotionally move on as well. Instead the last almost 14 weeks of my life have been spent in the hospital and doctor's office. I am still chemically pregnant with Asya, even though I buried her body 13 weeks ago. Even though she most likely has long since decayed and actually become the roses we named her after. If she were still within me I would now be 28 weeks along. I would be a mere 9 weeks from full term. Yet here I stay in this limbo of never ending pregnancy. Unable to even move forward to try to conceive a new child. The hell I live in every day is a hell I can't describe.
And yet the days blend together and new ways to keep moving forward appear. The garden is flourishing, Asya's roses bloom. I have made 3 sets of windchimes for my house. I go to work. I still am the Green Mommy.... I am still Bug's Mommy. I still have to wake up and take care of my family. I still try to make time for friends and family, I somehow do this all while inside I have crumbled. But I promise I will try to find time to write more... and find topics of joy again to write about.

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