Tuesday, April 2, 2013

5 weeks.... and still not done.

So on February 28th, when we were just a tad under 14 weeks along with our beautiful baby we lost her. She died around 11 weeks but we didn't know. It will have been 5 weeks since that day this Thursday. We would have been 19 weeks along. I until yesterday was under the impression that everything was going well, that I had passed everything and the very light bleeding I was still experiencing was normal. I had had to have a TV ultrasound Friday night and assumed since my doctor had not called it all looked fine and normal.. in a few weeks I would have a normal cycle and then when we felt ready we could TTC again.
Then yesterday I was at work playing on the floor with a few kids and coughed. That is normal I have a cold, what was not normal was the gush I felt. At first I thought.. "Oh no I peed myself." So I ran to the bathroom and sat down. What I saw was not pee. It was blood... a lot of blood ......too much. I knew something was wrong. I started feeling woozy. I soaked 3 pads in 20 mins. I went to my boss who had me call my doctor. As it turned out my ultrasound on Friday had shown I was retaining tissue. I did not know what that would mean exactly except that it could trigger hemorrhaging and I was pretty sure given the quick amount of blood loss and my lightheadedness that I was hemorrhaging. My doctor told me to keep an eye on the bleeding and if it didn't lighten up or got worse to go the ER. Then she said she wanted to see me this morning. The bleeding did lighten up a bit but in the 8 hrs of work I soaked 8 pads. I spent the day at work woozy and confused. Kids would ask me questions and it would take a few seconds for my brain to register and answer.
So this morning we went in. I got the joy of a pelvic, then another TV ultrasound (less awful this time partly because it was a woman and partly because I knew what was coming), then we went home and waited. After the doctor got the results she called and told us to fill the prescription for the same MC pills I had taken before (the day I gave birth to Asya). So I missed a full day of work, just finished taking the pills (it is a long process you have to let them dissolve in each cheek in your mouth.... yuck!), and now I wait.. to see if and how much tissue and blood still has to come out and hope that 1. this ends this horrific ordeal and 2. that I do not hemorrhage.
On the plus side, my doctor was so much nicer and more helpful the last few times we have gone. I am wondering if the shock of how to deal with a patient who lost her baby was why they seemed so cold. I myself have been dealing with what I call a mass exodus of friends and family. It seems that a lot of people have gotten really quiet around me either online or in everyday life. Everyone seems to be awkward and weird around me these days... as though I am made of glass. Which I suppose in a way I am. I am always just a bubbling cauldron under the surface. I really do not know what I could say to explain to anyone who hasn't gone through this what it is like... I have nothing. Except read this and other posts I have written. If any of my readers have a friend or family member who has lost a baby before birth or after for that matter, and you are not sure what you can say or do around them or for them... give them something with their babies name on it, give them a hug... hugs work miracles, make them dinner, listen to them cry, or do something nice for them to let them know you care. Do not tell them it was God's plan, tell them it was just something that happened, do not tell them that heaven needed an angel, and worst of all do not stay quiet around them, do not shut off from their lives and treat them like they have a disease. Loss and grief is not a disease. I had a lot of friends and family who sent flowers, brought us dinner, sent me messages of hope, talked to me, held me while I cried, and hugged and hugged. I also had a lot who disappeared. I don't like the second ones much anymore.
So I leave you now... these drugs work fast.. and I am thinking I should relocate to my bed but in closing I will share something I was given that touched my heart so much. There is a woman who runs a page called "Footprints Within" on FB. She hand crochets little hearts with your baby's name on them and tiny footprints. She does all this for free for mothers who lost a child or miscarry. It so touched me that she would do this for me. There are truly kind people in this world, if you know one give them a hug.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Total Pageviews